I’ve always enjoyed reading the café reviews on Carey lecturer Tim Bulkley’s blog. I’ve also long thought of shamelessly copying him. Hearken; for that day has arrived.
I am a regular at this cafe franchise in Howick. Knowing that I like good coffee, you may wonder why. The reason is that it happens to be a favourite of both my mother and my sister, and since I usually have coffee with either one of them once a week, I tend to visit quite often.
Let’s get this out of the way up front… the coffee is abysmal. Often, I will order a hot chocolate or some such thing because I can’t even be bothered with the coffee. You get better at Starbucks. Esquires serve theirs in truly massive cups, which is part of the problem; even the smallest is too big. And lovers of flavoured lattes beware; their Extreme Toffee Lattes appear to be made with some kind of powder, and no coffee.
On my visit yesterday I asked for a double-shot flat white in a small cup. For some reason the lady behind the counter heard “triple-shot”, and I wasn’t about to stop her. The coffee was about as strong as a decent single-shot coffee from a good cafe, but it was also bitter.
I also indulged in a white chocolate and strawberry muffin. Esquire’s sweet-stuff isn’t too bad. Much of it is super-market quality though. I’d advise avoiding their savoury food, which is almost certainly not made on site. There paninis have the look of those pre-made sandwiches you can find at Foodtown (just 2 minutes walk away, incidentally).
Staff are generally friendly, and are quick to recognise regulars. Let’s hope they aren’t big on using the Internet.
The ambiance is bright and franchise sterile. Big couches and a wide-screen TV in the corner playing oldies songs. If you’re on your own though, the two-seater tables are annoyingly small. Don’t even think of trying to read the newspaper.
For all this I don’t hate this cafe, mostly because of the welcoming staff. I think I might suggest Cafe Paris (just up the road) to my mother and sister in future, though.
Coffee: the worst.
Service:friendly, though certainly no expert Batista’s here.
Food: poor. Stick with the muffins.
Value: Esquires happens to be one of the more expensive cafes. Ironic, isn’t it?
Overall: what do you see in this, Mum?
Great review!
music, coffee, God – 3 of my favourite four things to chat/ watch others chat about all being discussed on the one blog
I’ve managed to avoid ever going to an esquires so far… perhaps I need to keep it that way.
Let’s be friends.
Thanks for the link
I’d just begun to wonder if I was being too strict in my reviews, and then you rate the coffee “the worst” 
though to be fair I doubt from your descriptions if any we’ve had could match these depths!
Rhett its your own fault. How could you even go there? I was having a pastoral coffee wth somene yesterday and they said: there’s Esquires. My look will probably mean they now need counselling.
And just a question: is it malappropriatism week for you? First there was the PA v PR mis step on the Being Nice thread Now the Batista reference – is it just too much WWE this week or what?
Haha! That’s brilliant. I didn’t even notice.
How the heck did you know who Batista was? I mean, if you aren’t wrestling fan, I can understand you knowing who Hulk Hogan or The Rock or Stone Cold was… but Batista?
Have you been secretly watching WWE?
That Batista is just a cheap wannabe…
So was the more famous one actually… or at least, that’s how it would have looked when he was ousted by Castro’s guerrilla movement.
Huh?
I have a shallow side too. I keep it hidden but its there…
Fulgencio Batista… look him up, you’ll discover some interesting Cuban history… whilst they make the world’s best cigars and some of the best coffee, they’ve also got a fascinating history.
The one time I dropped into Esquires Howick was when I needed to use the internet. Even though they advertised free wi-fi, the staff were absolutely unhelpful and seemed to laugh at me as I painstakingly tried to connect onto their internet for an hour (I think I had to buy some treacly-sweet drink too – ugh.)
Incidentally if you ever need a wireless network to surf on (with your laptop, iPhone etc) – magnation at Sylvia Park offered free no strings broadband last time I checked. I’m usually so stink that I surf from the adjacent Burger Fuel with my lunch!
Got a friend from town who often comes out this way. She says every single coffee house in Howick is terrible and you may as well just go to McCafe.
Personally, I rarely if ever drink coffee, but Circus Circus in Mt Eden is 3 thumbs up and totally turns me into a coffee drinker.
Circus Circus is a Mecca, as is Brazil on K Road. I love Circus Circus, it has a great vibe and brilliant coffee and food.
I agree that it’s hard to find a good coffee in Howick despite how many cafes there are, but McCafe!???
I do enjoy Cafe Paris, though it is more solid than spectacular. Metro magazine gave Three French Hens on Moore Street a great review, they called it the “only good cafe in Howick”. I intend to check it out.
McCafe’, well that’s what she said (no Office humour).
Never been to Three French Hens.
Perhaps we should be adventurous and go there.
Though 2 guys going for coffee sounds a wee bit, ya know, gay. :S
Hey bro; I’m in if you are. I think it’s the name that casts that light on it, but I’m cofident in my sexuality.
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